When you retire you experience a phenomenon known as “The Seven Day Weekend” (unless you worked a crappy job and find yourself slinging fries to supplement your Social Security so Sunday dinners consist of low-grade luncheon meat instead of Tender Vittles). For many people, the coronapocalypse confinement has made the calendar meaningless as one day seems like any other (and for those working the frontlines such as medical personnel, delivery workers, food service workers, etc. we know your confused calendar is due to you working your asses off. Chances are you don’t know what day it is because all you do is work, sleep, and repeat.

Last thing I checked it was March…

In any event, I woke up and realized it’s May 1. WTF happened to April? I spent 3 and 1/2 years in Con College (don’t forget to check out my prison memoir Laughing All the Way to the Bank (Robbery): How an Attorney Survived Prison for all the fun details) and the days had more structure than they do now. This is just crazy. Even though I work from home, I sometimes have to look at my phone or PS4 to see what day it is. I feel like Frank Gallagher when he woke up in Mexico and asked if he missed Christmas only to be told, “Christmas, you almost missed Easter.”

As always, Pro Sports Extra is here to help you and they’ve entrusted your well-being to me. Not only have I provided such helpful advice as “What’s the Best Disinfectant to Ingest Orally,” “Protect that Pussy: Can Coronavirus Affect Cats,” “Fatal Flatus: Can Farts Spread Coronavirus,” and many more, but I’m here to provide some tips on how to deal with the seemingly endless stay-the-fuck-home orders. Unlike some writers, I’m sensitive to people’s different socio-economic situations so while some remedies are available for everyone, others aren’t.

Cryogenic Freeze: It’s not for everybody.

Cryogenic Freeze: (One-percenters): If you’re super-rich like Bill Gates, you have access to mega-medicine that can keep you alive forever or in the event you contract an untreatable disease and put you into deep freeze until a cure is found (I discovered this from watching the vintage Buck Rogers in the 25th Century TV series). This one’s a potentially easy option as you go into a deep freeze and thaw out once things have cooled off (no pun intended).

Drawback: Like most deep-freeze scenarios, chances are society will crumble which means you’ll wake up hundreds of years later to who knows what. You could be in a Demolition Man world, Idiocracy, or who knows what.

Medically-Induced Coma (Wealthy and above): If you’ve got the ca$h, there’s always a doctor with a relaxed prescription pad policy, which means under the right circumstances you can have a doctor sedate you until things get back to normal.

If you’re a female, there’s a good chance Dr. McFeely is going to give you a full exam if he’s sketchy enough to put you in a coma.

Drawbacks: You may not wake up and/or the doctor with sketchy morals may take certain liberties with your comatose body. For more details on the specifics of medically-induced comas, click here.

Drunken Bender (Just about any socio-economic class): You’ve heard of the film The Lost Weekend, right? You haven’t? Go watch it, it’s a classic about the desperate life of a chronic alcoholic. Here, your options are to get drunk until the coronavirus is over.

Drawbacks: More difficult to do if you’re in a relationship or have kids (unless you’re already a chronic alcoholic in which case your wife has left you and grabbed the kids). Will weaken immune system so you may get coronavirus and croak.

Binge Watch (Any socio-economic class): All this requires is some sort of Internet connection, a TV (or if you’re desperate a phone), and some way of accessing streaming services (either with a subscription or other means I won’t go into). The beauty of this option is you can combine it with binge drinking (or even a medically-induced coma). I recommend you find series with at least 15 seasons because 1) you’re going to need to kill a lot of time, and 2) these shows are usually so formulaic that by season two your brain will enter a state akin to hypnosis. With that in mind, any Law and Order series, NCIS, or Supernatural are good places to start.

Drawback: Watching any series that runs this long is likely to kill any interest in watching TV. For some people this may be a plus, for others, not so much. Arguably the riskiest on this list.

Fetch me some shrimp human

Adopt a Cat Lifestyle (Wealthy and Above): Lay around the house, sleep, and eat with people waiting on you hand and foot.

Drawbacks: None. Why do you think they’re called fat cats?

Adopt a Cat Lifestyle (Middle Class and Below): Forage for food and hope the neighbors will feed you if you can’t get into your house.

Drawbacks: The cranky neighbor down the street may feed you antifreeze.

Alternative options are available too. You might consider other options such as learning a new language, “perfecting” your side hustle, or finishing that 300-piece puzzle that’s been sitting in the closet since the Clinton administration. Do your thing, stay safe, and hopefully, we’ll be ready to rumble soon.

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