Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement for robbing banks. If you’re stupid enough to rob banks, chances are you’ll get thrown in prison for several years if you’re lucky—and the rest of your life if you do something like hurt someone. It should go without saying that this is not a viable life choice. No reset button here like GTA.
Bank robbery, a quick way to get cash and honestly, one of the safer ways to get someone else’s money without much risk. Unless you’re looking to reenact a scene from Public Enemies or Heat, bank robberies typically go smooth. Of course, that’s the easy part, the hard part is not getting caught and if you do get caught, finding a way not to go away for a long stay at Con College.
I’ve talked about my bank robberies in my book Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery: How an Attorney Survived Prison, but there’s so much more to discuss. Thanks to Pro Sports Extra, I hope to talk about my bank robberies, how banks rob people, and the crazy ride that led me to robbing banks and a (thankfully) short, three-year stay in Con College. I also plan on talking about other bank robbers I met and the often-hilarious stories of career criminals.
Although it’s been over ten years, sometimes it feels like yesterday when I walked into my first bank with a different approach to making a withdrawal. Instead of a withdrawal slip, I handed the teller a note that read “This is a stickup. Give me all your large bills. No dye backs. No bait money. Place the money in an envelope.” Incredibly, I wasn’t nervous. Instead, I felt like someone was controlling my body and I was watching everything taking place.
It was my first robbery, and I’d spent the entire day getting psyched up to do it. No liquid courage for me, so I was nervous AF going into the bank. Looking back, I made a huge mistake going in the middle of the afternoon. The place wasn’t packed with customers, but there was a line. Funny when you think about a bank robber waiting to be called, but that’s what I did. When the teller finally called me, I handed over the note. She looked at me like this was a joke, but I gave her the ‘ol hairy eyeball, and she started putting the money in an envelope. In hindsight, it was about as smooth a move as I could have made in the situation. The last thing I wanted to do was walk in and step up to the counter. You’ve likely heard people say the best way to get in somewhere you don’t belong is to act like you belong there (and no, I didn’t walk into the vault with a suit and grab some cash). You walk in and you walk out like anyone else doing business at the bank. At any point something can go wrong—a cop could be driving by the bank when the alarm is tripped, Citizen Hero could see what’s going on and go into action, or any other number of possibilities might arise. I was fortunate that nothing happened in my first bank robbery other than my pay-off wasn’t quite what I expected. I’ll talk about that next time and various factors a bank robber faces when they go to work as well as the traditional methods for robbing a bank. You’ve likely seen them in films, TV, and video games, but they might not be what you think they’re like in the real world. Again, don’t think I’m advising you on how to rob a bank. There’s a reason I’m a retired bank robber; there are much better ways to earn a living.
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