Hafsah’s tweet here made its way on to my timeline a few months ago and it’s stuck with me for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m still dwelling on the Bruins forgetting they have to win game 7 in order to be crowned champions. Maybe it’s because my men’s league team is getting mollywopped on a weekly basis. Or maybe it’s because I just assumed every young lady lusts after hockey players with the fire of a thousand suns.
I wonder, what is the tone of trevmoores in this tweet? Is she bitter that she can’t find a hockey player? Did she have a bad experience with a kid playing in the OHL* who ditched her one to many time to hang out with “the boys”? Or, maybe, she’s genuinely curious. Why are all my friends dying to get noticed by the 4th line center at the bar sipping his vodka soda through the hole where his two front teeth are supposed to be?
These are all fair possibilities. I’m here to tell you exactly why you should date a hockey player.
For one, we’re all about the team. Ever hear the term “ferda”? Yes, I just puked up a bit of my morning bagel as well, but that’s only because the Brad and Chad’s over at Sigma Kappa High Life stole our hockey lingo. There’s so much sacrifice that hockey players give. You block a shot, take a hit, hop on a grenade at the bar so your buddy can steal a kiss from her smoke show roommate. All of those sacrifices are for their teammates. Imagine dating a guy like that? Someone who will give up Sunday mass with his family to get mimosas with you and your annoying friend Tiffany. Someone who will drink all the beers your roommate’s boyfriend left in your fridge, clogging up space normally reserved for your pink moscato mini 4 pack. We got you, boo.
We’re all in decent shape. We’re not all cut up like the basketball and football players you see. Therefor, you’re not going to feel pressured to keep a six pack 12 months of the year. You’ll never get the shakes when it’s time to post an Instagram with your boy toy at the beach and feel self conscious about how his waist is skinnier than yours. None of that’s gonna happen because we hockey players like to enjoy life. Sure, we hop in the gym semi regularly and burn a billion calories during practice. We also gas 13 beers and eat chicken fingers at the bar on a free night. Dad bods are hot in the streets right now and there’s no better place to find one than the hockey rink. A little extra cushion for those cold winter nights with enough stamina to get whatever extra curricular activities you desire completed.
(I want you all to know how much this killed me. Scrolling through pictures of the Blues with the Cup to find Pat Maroon’s belly was an awful experience but I did that for you)
Hockey hair, ever heard of it? There’s not a style out there a hockey player can’t pull off. Don’t believe me? Make sure you’re sitting down before you scroll through this gallery.
Finally, hockey players can rock the shit out of a suit and tie. Picture this, your cousin Mary is getting married in October. Your boyfriend Dewey, captain of the track and field team, only owns adidas tapered sweatpants and puma wind breakers. You two head to the mall to find him a big boy wardrobe. You’re browsing around and suddenly he’s gone. You can’t find him. You bend down to try and find his 5’7″ 138lb frame and then you spot his Nike slides dragging across the floor. You walk over to find him in the young adult section of Lands End.
Had you thrown on a scarf and your Bean boots, headed to the rink, and picked up a rockstar defenseman with a beard and a pea coat, you wouldn’t find yourself paying $89 for your boyfriend’s suit, shirt, tie combo. That hockey player you ignored wears a sharp suit to every single game.
Instead of tearing up the dance floor with a 6’2″ 195lb man in a navy suit with a black tie and a complimentary pocket square, you’re sitting at your table with Dewey while he shows off his napkin origami skills. Ah, what could have been.
Last but not least, Lululemon. I know you ladies love your Lulu. Guess what? So do hockey players. As a matter of fact, college, major junior, and professional hockey players get 25% off every Lulu purchase. So those leggings you’ve wanted, the $75 three pack of headbands, and yoga tank you’ve wanted but can’t afford? Boom, 25% off. You’re welcome.
PSA: Remember that OHL kid I mentioned above? Stay away from those guys. Maybe extend that to all Junior hockey players. They’re the frat boys of the sport. They say things like “beauty/beautician”, “saucy”, “wheel” completely unironically and he’ll likely refer to you as a “puck bunny” to your face. If you bring him home to meet your folks don’t be surprised if he pops a lip of Copenhagen in at the dinner table. You’ve been advised.
Follow me on Twitter @T_Ry25_