Pass the Crack Pipe: Are Americans Ready to Go Apeshit?

Now that the coronapocalypse seems to be waning, is America ready to go the apeshit? That’s the question people are asking as pandemic precautions and restrictions seem to be going the way of corded headphones and Mel Gibson. However, despite your inclination to get out and blow off some steam, you might want to remember life has no reset button and there are some common sense precautions that will allow you to indulge yourself without long-term consequences.

A recent story from The Associated Press talks about what some are calling another version of “The Roaring 20s”:

As hopes rise that the pandemic is ebbing in the United States and Europe, visions of a second “Roaring Twenties” to match last century’s post-pandemic decade have proliferated. Months of lockdown and restrictions on social life have given way to dreams of a new era of frivolity and decadence. For some, it feels like party time.

The Roaring 20s were an incredible time in American history as people who had endured the horrors of World War One coupled with the horrors of women’s suffrage of Prohibition took partying like it was 1999. Books like The Great Gatsby and films like The Roaring 20s captured what life was like for people during the 1920s.

A classic gangster film

Like any crash course, the Roaring 20s shouldn’t be generalized as everyone was rolling in the dough, jazz played everywhere, gangsters roamed the street, and people partied their collective asses off at speakeasies. However, the era has come to represent that, which has people wondering if we’re in for another era of prosperity and debauchery. As the AP article notes:

But a coming summer and a soaring stock market have lifted optimism and fueled predictions of a new Roaring Twenties. This time, Bill Maher has suggested, we do it without “the Depression at the end of it.” The New Yorker joked that prohibition in “the New Roaring Twenties” should be on “company-mandated virtual happy hours.” Madison Avenue has turned up the heat. Suitsupply, a men’s fashion brand, is running a suggestive ad campaign with writhing models and the tagline: “The New Normal Is Coming.” Summer travel is booming. A summer of love “sexplosion ” is predicted. Even the bob is back in style.

Although there are still parts of the world that are getting crushed by the coronavirus, the woes of the rest of the world have never stopped Americans from giving zero fucks so why should this time be any different? However, before you decide to try crystal meth, see if you can line up a foursome on Tinder

, or robbing a bank like you’ve always wanted to, consider some advice from yours truly.

  1. You’ve got to love your liver. As a wise O.R. nurse once told me, you’ve got to love your liver so the next time downing a bottle of gin a day sounds like a great way to drink juniper berries (who do you think you are, Ian Fleming? Why not smoke 70 cigarettes a day while you’re at it).
  2. Don’t be a tool, wrap that tool. Yes, you may have been out of circulation for some time thanks to the coronapocalypse putting the kibosh on your love life, but drug-resistant STD’s are still making a comeback and who wants to be a parent before their time?
  3. Crystal meth just isn’t worth it. Sadly, the days when smoking meth wasn’t so bad are long gone as it’s hard to imagine the ingredients being any more disgusting than they were when I was in Con College and meth cooks told me the incredible ingredients used to make America’s number one stimulant since benzedrine.
  4. Robbing a bank is more difficult than it’s ever been. Even though banks still don’t give a rat’s ass if you rob them (they’re federally insured), it’s even harder to get any significant amount of cash and security cameras coupled with our Big Brother-type world makes it even tougher to get away. If you want to know what it’s like to rob a bank, read my prison memoir Laughing All the Way to the Bank (Robbery): How an Attorney Survived Prison.

So go out and have some fun, gentle reader. Whether or not the Roaring 20s are back (at least the 21st century version), you don’t want your personal life to go through a Great Depression like the poor saps in the original Roaring 20s did.

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