Events

New Yorker Reporter Rubs One Out on Zoom Call with Colleagues, Rubbing Them the Wrong Way

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Looks like Jeffrey Toobin, a writer for the New Yorker and a CNN analyst may have rubbed himself out of a job after rubbing one out during a Zoom call with several colleagues. The masturbatory mishap was described at VICE:

Two people who were on the call told VICE separately that the call was an election simulation featuring many of the New Yorker’s biggest stars: Jane Mayer was playing establishment Republicans; Evan Osnos was Joe Biden, Jelani Cobb was establishment Democrats, Masha Gessen played Donald Trump, Andrew Marantz was the far right, Sue Halpern was left wing democrats, Dexter Filkins was the military, and Jeffrey Toobin playing the courts. There were also a handful of other producers on the call from the New Yorker and WNYC.

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Both people, who spoke on the condition of anonymity in order to speak freely, noted that it was unclear how much each person saw, but both said that they saw Toobin jerking off. The two sources described a juncture in the election simulation when there was a strategy session, and the Democrats and Republicans went into their respective break out rooms for about 10 minutes. At this point, they said, it seemed like Toobin was on a second video call. The sources said that when the groups returned from their break out rooms, Toobin lowered the camera. The people on the call said they could see Toobin touching his penis. Toobin then left the call. Moments later, he called back in, seemingly unaware of what his colleagues had been able to see, and the simulation continued.

A time-honored tradition

Toobin pumped out an apology, with The New York Post reporting:

“I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing I was off-camera,’’ the 60-year-old married Harvard Law School grad said in a stunning admission to Vice, which broke news of the cringeworthy incident Monday.

“I believed I was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video,’’ he said.

“I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers.’’

The proliferation of teleconferencing via apps like ZOOM have led to embarrassing incidents during the coronapocalypse, but Toobin definitely rose to the occasion with this one as news is quickly spreading.

On one hand, Toobin shouldn’t feel alone as a 2018 Global Self-Pleasure Report found that:

78 percent of adults in the world masturbate, including: 96 percent of British men, 93 percent of German men, and 92 percent of American men; 78 percent of British women, 76 percent of German women, and 76 percent of American women.

A pleasurable pastime

Regrettably, there are no statistics regarding how many adults pleasure themselves while on business conference calls although I imagine the figure may be higher than you think.

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Mike Rickard II

Retired bank robber and author of "Wrestling's Greatest Moments", "Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery, "Flunky: Pawns and Kings," and "Don't Call Me Bush Beans: The Legend of a Three-Legged Cat." Pro wrestling and hockey fan. Hired gun for several pro wrestling sites and a top 10 YouTube wrestling channel. Available in regular and extra-strength.

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