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Mr. Manners: Don’t Text Me! The Only Four Acceptable Texts

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Texting sucks. I’m going to say what many people think but are afraid to say (or text). Texting is a complete waste of time and as I’ll so brilliantly show, there are only four acceptable forms of texts. Sit back and relax while I, Mr. Manners, instruct the unwashed masses on when it’s acceptable to text:

Texting is the original Tik-Tok video, a way for someone with attention-seeking behavior to say something no one else cares about (similar to blogging).. Who hasn’t been busy playing a video game, doing some work, or enjoying coitus with their neighbor’s significant other when a text comes along. Inevitably, you check your phone because maybe it’s an emergency. Instead, you get something like this:

Supernatural is coming back as a limited series.

You left the refrigerator door ajar again. How many times have I told you about this? (Lengthy diatribe goes on for anywhere ranging from 2-200 text messages)

What’s the capital of Peru?

Inevitably, these texts are something that no one should bother with or expect a response. The problem is that people expect a response (why didn’t you text me back) and 99.95% of questions are something Google can answer. Of course, the all-time worst category of texts is the conversation text. Someone decides to have a heartfelt text with you despite the invention of the phone and the obvious fact that you can rarely convey emotions or subtleties with a text. You’re then expected to fumble through the keyboard (or voice dictation) trying to respond. If it’s that important, pick up the phone or meet in person.

Texting does have its uses though so here are the four acceptable texts:

  1. Here’s your money: Someone just PayPaled you money or sent funds electronically.
  2. I’m running late/I’m here: Running late? Nobody wants to hear your sorry ass excuse, just text a quick missive. Just showed up? Texting is okay.
  3. Talking behind someone’s back: Is there someone in the room you don’t like but want to talk about? Texting is perfect (Miss Manners would not approve but remember the wisdom of Oscar Wilde “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
  4. The emergency text: “My husband/wife found out about us”

Anything else is unacceptable.

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Mike Rickard II

Retired bank robber and author of "Wrestling's Greatest Moments", "Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery, "Flunky: Pawns and Kings," and "Don't Call Me Bush Beans: The Legend of a Three-Legged Cat." Pro wrestling and hockey fan. Hired gun for several pro wrestling sites and a top 10 YouTube wrestling channel. Available in regular and extra-strength.

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