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Low Fat Ice Cream Is Better Than Regular Ice Cream. Yeah, I Fucking Said It.

As I sit here isolated on the brink of psychosis from months of ferocious masturbation binge watching and eating, it has provided some clarity when it comes to life’s unknown questions. Who are the important people in your life when the chips are down? What is the difference between what is necessary in life, and what is extra? Questions that have plagued many of man from the dawn of existence have been contemplated ad nauseam throughout these bitter 10 months that have been forced upon us like a martini at a Bill Cosby after party. All we have to do in this daunting era on the brink of societal downfall, and the destruction of democracy is sit within our own mind and try to progress ourselves in mental Darwinian like fashion. Akin to our forefathers as they sat around their fortified cherry oak round tables, underneath the sunlight through the chapel-esque stained glass of the original Independence H all, we as humans have delved deeper into our psyches looking for answers to free us from despair like never before.

Admittedly, lately I have been quite melancholy in these past co uple of weeks. The holidays have come and gone, and all that has been left for me to engulf my time in is an ever growing work schedule. There are only brief moments of happiness that I get when I look up and am reminded that the days are growing longer. A beacon of hope is on the horizon for the world at large; with the onslaught of an eternal spring and herd-like immunity just past the foothills in the distance. As I looked into the guest room of my sprawling estate and I saw my exotic beauty fiancee (of whom has hindquarters that would make even the most silicone filled Kardashian envious) (shout out me) working out via Zoom, I bemoaned to myself that I should go out and seek mental refuge in the form of a trip to Aldi. These trips are vital, as they help me break free from the clasps of the self imposed incarceration that I have been living under (thanks Obama).

I pulled up to the local Aldi, double masked and shielded in a way that a church pastor’s daughter would look upon and think “he is a little too sheltered”. As I walked through the parking lot, watching many a man enter in and out like fraternal lacrosse players will eventually do to that very same pastor’s daughter’s anus in her “rebellious” years at university, I approached with excitement. You see, since I don’t get out of the house much these trips give me the fulfillment to continue on, in so that I always have these trips to look forward to. If you do not have an Aldi around you, it is an absolutely magical place of cheapened knockoff grocery couture products. From an eclectic variety of cheeses, to a variety of sweets and salty products that would make any fat man tingle. However, what makes them truly special is that they sometimes sprinkle in name brand products, but only for a brief period of time. Like a fine escort in a grimy Hell’s Kitchen motel, it does not fit in with the surroundings, but you are delighted to have it while it is still there.

As I perusing and nearing the end of my trip, I walked upon the frozen food section and I saw a knock-off “Halo Top” ice cream that was low fat and only had 330 calories for the entire container. Now, I have heard many people complain that these “ice creams” are not even worth it as they taste awful and you just come away with the dissatisfaction of a Met’s season ticket holder. However, I was feeling adventurous and because of lockdowns I haven’t been to the gym in 3 months, so I decided to throw it in the cart.

I came home, placed it in the freezer and thought none the wiser as to what was about to break into my world. I went to work on making a delicious arugula/romaine mixed salad with fresh avocado and all the fixins’ to accompany the brown sugar glazed chicken that my model fiancee was attending to for dinner. After a delicious meal, I decided to walk into the kitchen for an after dinner cordial in the form of this low-cal ice cream.

As I broke through the surface of this ice cold delicacy, I wasn’t sure as to what lie ahead. I had my trepidation, but I decided to push forward and come to my own conclusion on this contentious treat. Similar to the concert goers of Woodstock in 69 when they put their first drop of LSD onto their tongues, my eyes opened to a whole new world. Guilt free ice cream that I could eat by the bucket load and that still maintained the general essence of its hefty full fat sibling. The Kendall Jenner to Rob Kardashian, if you will.

I am completely and unequivocally sold on this concoction and I will not be returning to the other side from this moment forward. A new dawn awaits me on my journey through life, and everything is a little bit clearer than it was just mere hours ago. Not since the Manhattan project has the world accomplished such a feat and been met with constant consternation as if the world would be a better place with it, or without it. Like ole Tony, low fat ice cream has been under appreciated and disrespected for far too long, and that stops today.

P.S. If we could be honest for a second, it was perfectly adequate and nothing to ride home about either way, I just felt like writing some douchy verbose shot at the Kardashians. Nailed it.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/tonypse

Follow us on Twitter https://twitter.com/prosportsextra

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