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Kim Yo Jong’s Geopolitical Guessing Game: Kiss, Marry, Kill

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With the possibility that North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-Un’s brain function is on par with a television remote, more political analysts are questioning whether Kim’s younger sister Kim Yo Jong could be running the show in North Korea sooner rather than later. If she does, it’s critical that the world understand her motives, ambitions, and Netflix favorites in order to gauge whether or not she’ll be lobbing nukes like Roman candles or exchanging Korean barbecue recipes with her counterpart south of the DMZ.

As anyone familiar with game theory will attest, we can learn a lot from how people play games (although the uses of game theory extend much further as they deal with strategic interaction among rational individuals). For example, that mild-mannered colleague that plays Monopoly and suddenly turns into House of Cards’ Frank Underwood may be a secret sociopath, a case where game theory or a no-knock search warrant could come in handy.

Kim Yo Jong

With that in mind, let’s look at North Korea’s potential 4th Supreme Leader, Kim Yo Jong (who you may recall, I determined was office hot) and how she would play the game of Kiss, Marry, Kill with three geo-political leaders who could be President within a year: Donald Trump, Joe Biden, or Mike Pence.

According to the site Prisoner of Class, the rules for Kiss, Marry, Kill are as follows:

  • First, start by putting together three names to form your question – these could be names of popular people or individuals you know personally.
  • Next, ask your game partner(s) which of the three names they would rather Kiss, Marry, and Kill respectively.
  • You can only choose one for each activity, so take your time, and picture which person would make a better fit for what.
  • Say your answer out loud, and let your game partner(s) ask the next question.

Just to give you an example of Kiss, Marry, Kill, I posed the following choices to Pro Sports Extra’s Brad Shepard: Stephanie McMahon, Alexa Bliss, and Becky Lynch

Kiss: Alexa

Marry: Steph

Kill: Becky

Using my alumni access to my alma mater’s CyberDyne 3000 mainframe, I had the supercomputer to calculate “Most Likely to Become Supreme Leader #4’s” most likely picks.

Kiss Mike Pence. For some reason, the computer mainframe has determined that Kim Yo Jung spent much of her childhood watching Jonny Quest and still maintains a serious crush on Intelligence One’s ace agent Roger T. “Race” Bannon. His parallels with current Vice-President Mike Pence makes this an understandable selection.

Kim Yo Jung’s apparent crush on Race Bannon makes her choice of kissing Mike Pence easy.

Marry: Donald Trump. A true marriage of convenience, Kim Yo Jung would see this as a means of a number of Trump properties in North Korea. The convenience of building said structures with cheap (i.e. slave labor) would likely appeal to the newlyweds (Melina would just join the ranks of other ex-Mrs. Donald Trumps or be put to work in North Korea’s salt mines) and solidify the Supreme Leader’s vision for bringing North Korea into the next big tourist destination.

Trump Castle Korea
No way Supreme Leader #4 would tolerate Creepy Joe’s advances

Kill: Joe Biden. I just can’t imagine “Creepy” Joe getting close to Kim Yo Jung without the creeptastic clod sniffing her hair, placing his hands on her shoulders, or something equally inappropriate. Don’t rule out the possibility of Kim Yo Jung being a 8th-degree black belt in Taekwondo (or even trained in Sinanju) as she snaps Biden’s chicken neck like Randy “Macho Man” Savage snapping into a Slim Jim.

Using game theory to analyze Kim Yo Jung’s potential picks, and remember, these are computer-generated as my attempts to reach Kim Yo Jung have been unsuccessful (although my sources tell me they will have dial-up Internet within the next ten years).

Analysis: The future Supreme Leader is a woman who knows what she likes whether it’s kissing (Mike Pence), marriage/business (Donald Trump) or ridding the world of a creepy senile twit (Joe Biden).

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Mike Rickard II

Retired bank robber and author of "Wrestling's Greatest Moments", "Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery, "Flunky: Pawns and Kings," and "Don't Call Me Bush Beans: The Legend of a Three-Legged Cat." Pro wrestling and hockey fan. Hired gun for several pro wrestling sites and a top 10 YouTube wrestling channel. Available in regular and extra-strength.

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