Is Subway serving human flesh in their tuna sandwiches?

Subway is now facing a class action lawsuit after a lab test concluded that there was no actual tuna DNA inside of their tuna fish sandwiches. This lead researchers to believe that the food is either so extremely processed that all remanence of actual tuna has been lost, or they’re just flat out not using tuna.

So this leaves me with two main questions about the sandies. Question one is obvious: what the hell are they using for tuna? Is Jared Fogle himself breaking into morgues at night, stripping dead bodies down to the bone, and serving it to all of us as tuna? Aren’t silverback gorillas going extinct? Well, maybe now we know why. Remember the Harambe ‘accident?’ Or so we thought. Maybe that child was pushed into the cage by undercover Subway employee so the company could strip Harambe for his meat and play it off as tuna! Is subway killing the gorillas?

And my second question: how bad of a sandwich did someone eat that made them get a lab test on the tuna? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some bad food in my day, but never have I eaten it and thought to myself, “I need to get this shit in the lab ASAP.” Like you cannot convince me that a Subway sandwich maker wasn’t having an affair with some scientist’s wife, causing the scientist to lab-test the tuna and bring the whole company down. It’s the only plausable motivation for somebody to run lab tests on Subway tunafish.

But listen, whether it’s human flesh, Harambe meat, cat semen, or whatever else, I can’t act like I actually care. It tastes enough like tuna to me so what the hell, as long as I don’t see how its made its tuna enough for this sandwich lover.

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