If the Dallas Cowboys Lose Today I’m Moving to Russia and Never Watching Football Again

What a journey its been. From being the legitimate worst team in the league, with talks of the number two pick, to playing for a division title this week, the 2020 Dallas Cowboys have taken us on an emotional thrillride. I’ve resisted the urge to completely buy into this team and get my hopes up, but c’mon, its week 17, my playoff hopes are fully chubbed.

For Dallas to get in, they need to beat the Giants in the 1’oclock hour, and Philly needs to beat Washington on SNF. I can handle a Philadelphia loss (they blow) but if the Cowboys lose to the Giants, I’m gonna have to check myself in to a mental health facility. Dallas comletely out-mans the Giants when it comes to talent, Daniel Jones is on one damn leg, and JASON GARRETT is their offensive coordinator!!! If a Jason Garrett coached offense is the one to keep the Dallas Cowboys out of the playoffs, I think all of us Cowboys fans just have to collectively take up a crystal meth addiction to soothe the pain.

And although the Dallas offense has been explosive as a post-Qdoba defection, It’s still lead by Andy Dalton. Can you trust the guy? I can see it now. 2:00 on the clock, fourth quarter, down by 1, Dallas is driving. 3rd and 7, Dalton steps up in the pocket, scrambles right, throws down field … right into the arms of a lurking safety. Game over, playoff hopes destroyed, crippling depression incoming.

PS: Vegas totally has the fix in on this game. 63% of bets on Dallas and the line isn’t moving. So, it’s already over the mafia got to it. McCarthy better smash some melons, cause that’s the only way you’re beating Vegas.

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