I Hate the Polar Express and I Don’t Care Who Knows

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This movie sucks. If you disagree I hate you, your family, your dog, and your dog’s family. I hate you as a person and I hope you get stuck in traffic from your driveway to your destination every day for the rest of your life.

The entire premise of this movie is trash. This is supposed to be a kids movie and yet in the first 10 minutes we have an adult arriving at a young child’s door in the middle of the night with a train full of kids promising Santa Claus and cookies and candy if he hops aboard. That’s a great message for the kids. You’re basically asking for your own kid to jump in the first windowless white van he sees.

Then there’s this guy.

Poindexter. He’s the kid in class who tells the teacher she hasn’t collected the homework right before the bell rings. He’s the kid who waits sixty one minutes between eating and jumping in the pool, just to be cautious. His mom gives apples and riddles out on Halloween and brings in bran muffins to class on his birthday. Lastly, if this kid grows up and joins Sigma Kappa New and gives you this look as you sip your jungle juice

*shutters* yikes.

Now, the little girl in pink and the dork wearing his father’s goulashes.

Hooooooolllllllllllly shit these two are the worst. Did you know their character names are “Hero Girl” and “Billy the Lonely Boy”? Billy Boots I’m fine with. Kid is lonelier than Draymon Green on the Warriors right now. As for Hero Girl, I feel bad taking your time to break down how shitty she is. She loses her ticket and nearly gets herself and Hero Boy (more on him later) kicked off the train. Because of this they’re outside and nearly die as the train goes off the rails and across a frozen pond. She later seduces Hero Boy to the caboose (lol. We’ve all been there right fellas?) where the car disconnects and they need to break and enter Santa’s workshop to get back to the group of kidnapped children.

Here’s where Billy, the saddest sack in the North, chooses to dig for his gift and nearly ruins Christmas for everyone. Santa’s sleigh is over it’s weight capacity and drills the star off the Christmas tree, which falls within an inch of taking a poor elf’s life. Good job, Bill.

Steven Tyler?????

This next part pains me. But I’d have no integrity if I didn’t include him. Tom Hanks is a selfish son of a bitch in this film.

Yup. There it is. Did you know Tom Hanks played SEVEN characters? The Polar Express came out in November of 2004. You know what started in 2007, three, short years later? Just the worst global financial crisis since the Great Depression. Tom Hanks banked $40 million in salary alone for this film. How many actors struggled to keep a roof over their kid’s heads and food in their bellies because Tom Hanks wouldn’t allow them a role? Hard to say.

Hero Boy time.

Honestly I don’t have a ton to say about this kid. He’s as boring a character as I’ve ever seen. He’s like 9 years old and doesn’t believe in Santa. He wears a robe with a hole in the pocket and just puts anything of any importance in that pocket. REFUSES to use the other pockets on his robe or in his pants. He follows people around the entire film. He’ll be writing TPS reports for his boss and coming into the office on Saturdays and Sundays until he’s 74 years old because he has the spine of a jellyfish. Kid can’t even hear bells for God’s sake.

Lastly, Santa is a SNACC in this particular adaptation of the big man. He’s fit, he has a voice that makes Morgan Freeman blush, his beard looks like it’s made of silk. He’s suspiciously hot for a saint. #NotMySantaClaus

I suppose if their is a saving grace it’s the song, Believe by Josh Groban, during the end credits. Song slaps.

For more takes on movies I hate that are universally loved, follow me on Twitter @T_Ry25_

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