Barstool Sports

General Smitty Wets the Sticks (4/1/19)

New month, New game plan. That’s what I like to think General Smitty was thinking last night as the sought out a glorious “#1 Victory Royale” against the numerous stream snipers he was up against. Anyways, here is the General’s battle log from his stream last night consisting of 24 rounds of Solo and Squad matches.

Round 1: With a strong start at the Clock Tower in Tilted Towers, the General lands at the peak accompanied by two others. He axes them down immediately with no mercy in sight. Smitty is then asked why Ninja won’t land at the Tower whenever he plays, and it is because Ninja is a coward and he knows it. Smitty then heads down to the Pawn Shop where he needs some health and some “Hanky Spanky” but not in any specific order. Smitty also thinks he has gained some weight because his “Ball Don’t Lie” shirt was a bit tight fitting. Finally, Smitty’s round one end abruptly as he is sniped. Places 44th

Round 2: Going for a back to back drop at Tilted Towers, the General decides to land at Trump Tower this time where he gets a 1 pump right off the bat and begins looting which is pretty poor. After looting, Smitty gives another 1 pump right to the chest. Some of the soldiers last night were commenting that Smitty wasn’t using stairs and his response to these soldiers was, “Stairs are for Nancy Pancys.” Smitty gets another kill right after and destroys a poison dart trap; “I don’t look out for traps, traps look out for me. That’s just the way it is” is what our fearless leader had to say about that matter. Smitty then gets another 2 kills close to each other, but eventually gets caught in the storm and is killed while on a treasure hunt. Places 12th

Round 3: Smitty goes for the Clock Tower for a third time just to land with enemies and gets 1 pumped to the chest. Places 93rd

Round 4: Heading in a different direction, the General lands at the hotel in Smitty City and with there being no loot for him to defend himself is killed. Places 86th

Round 5: “I gotta join the stream snipers if I wanna win, but I’m not gonna do that” is what Smitty said as he drops at the hotel again. With Smitty being the only soldier that landed there he loots EVERYTHING and his loot is “sexitude” We find out in this round that Rice Boy and Smitty were in talks to start their own basketball league, but Rice Boy went ahead and did it himself and excluded Smitty. “Rice Boy has been dishonorably discharged, for life maybe” We also find out that the reasoning behind Smitty not being included is that the league is a non-content person league, even though Caleb Presseley and Marty Mush are in the league 🤔 Smitty then gets caught in the storm, but warps away towards Fatal Fields briefly and diverts to Salty Springs where he loses in a build off and dies. Places 12th

Round 6: I’m not really sure what happened this round I had to put my dog to sleep, I assume it was a quick round though because when I returned to the stream Smitty was already in another lobby awaiting is certain death.

Round 7: Landing at Clock Tower with an enemy, Smitty Axes them right away and applies wristbands at the base. Now being sniped from behind and attacked from behind back to back Smitty wins the latter battle. Also known as the “Angel of Death” Smitty equips balloons and snipes from above and it pays off. Eventually losing another build off Smitty dies because he gave away his location sniping. Places 15th

Round 8: Starting off cocky this round Smitty claims, “I am a better carpenter than Jesus because of the tools I have” Smitty has some problems this round landing at the Volcano where there are a bunch of enemies awaiting his arrival, but he eventually gets one kill. Smitty also not happy with the direction of his builds and I agree I’m not a fan that I can’t build in whatever direction I want that’s bullshit. Smitty finds refuge at the Volcano Pirate Camp where he plays the harmonica after igniting the campfire. Launching himself away from the camp Smitty heads for Retail Row and we find out that Smitty is probably moving to New Jersey in August, probably because of rent I dunno though. Smitty then goes for a Llama right in an open field for it to have bad loot and uses a MED KIT AT 95% HEALTH! That’s fucking wild if you ask me. Finally, Smitty goes for a supply drop with better loot, but gets sniped at/ caught in the storm and loses that face off. Places 11th

Round 9: Last Solo matchup for the night and Smitty takes his first bathroom break. Smitty lands at Clock Tower and axes a John Wick to death and picks up bad loot and dies. Places 38th

Round 10: #CantEndOnThat “First Time Long Time” podcast is making its comeback because the people of Philly want it! Smitty then lands at Clock Tower to axe someone off the top and they fall to their death lmfao. Smitty then gets a good mount of blue loot and double pumps someone and wins! Smitty then gets one pumped shortly after. Places 61st

Round 11: Smitty and his new squad land at his city and their team gets obliterated. Smitty also chooses “Date Mike” over “Prison Mike”

Round 12: Squad wants to land at Happy Hamlet, but the General denies their request because they did not earn it. “Soldiers don’t direct me, I direct God” the Squad is pinned at Loot Lake and they advanced, but then take HEAVY FIRE and die

Round 13: The General honorably discharges his squad for a new one and drop at Smitty City with bad loot. The Squad takes out multiple enemies even after being ambushed. One of the Banana Soldiers goes AWOL for a treasure hunt, but then regroups. Just like the last match, this Squad also takes HEAVY FIRE and the group advances to the south of the Volcano. The Squad gets pinned and lose. Places 4th

Round 14: Squad lands at Clock Tower with bad loot, but that doesn’t stop them because they clean house. After the storm closes in on Tilted Towers the group is lit up. Places 15th

Round 15: New Squad now, this time with terrible communication as one soldiers comms are not cooperating. The Squad is lit up shortly after arriving at the Clock Tower and die.

Round 16: Squad now landing at the Smitty City hotel they kill enemies upon landing, but also die shortly after. Places 87th

Round 17: Change of course this time as the Squad heads for the Pirate Ship at Lazy Lagoon. While looting there is nothing good and the Squad is eliminated. Places 70th

Round 18: Smitty feels as though he is being ignored at Barstool because how his merch ideas get taken down shortly after going up, and that he has no one to go to, to address this issue. Aims for the Volcano but reroutes to Sunny Steps. Now heading to the Dusty Divot Pirate Camp, Smitty launches himself towards Shifty Shafts. Now ballooning up to Polar Peak from Salty Springs, Smitty gears up with a turret and takes out multiple enemies. Eventually loses in a build battle. Places 15th

Round 19: Smitty takes his second bathroom break and it sounded like a strong stream. I wasn’t paying attention to this round, but he died quickly.

Round 20: Smitty is taken out immediately after landing at the Smitty City Hotel. Places 92nd

Round 21: Smitty gets a kill right away at the Clock Tower and then loads up a turret and starts bringing Tilted down. Smitty is then sniped trying to kill another person. Places 58th

Round 22: The entire lobby lands at the Volcano and Smitty has trouble getting out of the mouth of the Volcano so Smitty retreats to Loot Lake but is pumped from above. Places 55th

Round 23: Smitty is axed to death upon his landing at the Clock Tower. Places 95th

Round 24: Landing at Trump Tower with bad loot Smitty is pumped. Places 77th

@connor_mclough

Our team is working endlessly around the clock... Please follow us on Twitter or Facebook!

Click to comment

You must be logged in to post a comment Login

---