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“Dat Baby Don’t Look Like Me” You Are Not the Father!

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It’s often been said the worst thing you can hear after you’ve just had sex is “Honey, I’m home.” As troublesome as that may be, there’s another post-coital communication that’s equally frightening, “I’m late.” In today’s worry-free day where people hook up on Tinder as easily as they use Instacart, unexpected pregnancies (and antibiotic-resistant STDs) may seem like a new problem, but as anyone who lived in the pre-digital era knows, it’s a problem as old as time itself. As such, the ancient wisdom of philosopher Pyrrho (not to be confused with Pyrrhus of Epirus whose disastrous victory over the Romans spawned the phrase Pyrrhic Victory). “be quick to question and slow to believe” is sage advice for anyone who questions whether there’s any fraud in the fatherhood claim.

As a former attorney (check out my memoir, Laughing All the Way to the Bank (Robbery): How an Attorney Survived Prison

) for all the details on why I’m a former attorney), I handled a few paternity cases including one for a client seeking child support from a pro athlete. This was back in the day when a simple DNA test could clear things up, much like a shot in the ass could take care of a case of the clap. Things are a bit more complex today and I won’t bother saying anything about paternity cases other than get a DNA test right away.

Naturally, for many people the news of a pregnancy is joyful news but for some people, it’s the last thing they want to hear, especially when someone is trying to fool them into thinking they’re the baby’s daddy when that’s definitely not the case. That’s why Maury Povich made some serious bank with his episodes where he helped potential dads discover if they were ready for Pampers or a trip to the club:

Nothing epitomizes the anxiety of questionable claims of paternity however like Shawty Putt’s “Dat Baby Don’t Look Like Me,” a hilarious song (with appearances by Lil’ Jon and Too Short) and an even more hilarious video.

So whether you’re enjoying Father’s Day with your offspring or enjoying the fact you’re not a dad, remember this vintage advice “don’t be a fool, wrap that tool!”

Happy Father’s Day!

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Mike Rickard II

Retired bank robber and author of "Wrestling's Greatest Moments", "Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery, "Flunky: Pawns and Kings," and "Don't Call Me Bush Beans: The Legend of a Three-Legged Cat." Pro wrestling and hockey fan. Hired gun for several pro wrestling sites and a top 10 YouTube wrestling channel. Available in regular and extra-strength.
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