College Blog: I’m In a Russian Literature Class … And I’m not Russian at all

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Yes, I’m in a Russian literature class — Contemporary Russian Literature of the 19th Century to be specific. Now how did an American Jewbag such as myself even end up taking this class in the first place? Well, I was completely bamboozled by Rutgers. They titled the class “Radicals, Conmen, and Gamblers” on the course selection sheet, and that’s a little different then Contemporary Russian Literature of the 19th Century.

Now, call me stupid, but I was fucking amped to take Radicals, Conmen, and Gamblers. I expected to log onto class (its virtual) and be talking about blackjack strategies, point spreads, and parlays, not the Russian Countryside in 1840. Like, I’m so dumb a small part of me thought that they’d just teach us how to gamble in the class, as if that would’t be a fucking crime.

So, anyways, I was wrong, and I’ve spent the entire semester analyzing Russian soap operas, and trying to pronounce names like Sergeyevna and Raskolnikov. Luckily, every text we’ve had to read was on Schmoop or Sparknotes, so I’ve been able to skeet through this class by the skin of my sack, but I’m really hanging on by a thread. In every assignment the protocol is basically read a summary, maintain a surface level understanding of the text, submit a below average to mediocre analysis, and pray the professor (who’s pretty cool) hooks your boy up with a solid grade. That happens at about a 47% clip.

So, that brings us to present day, finals month, where I am SO FUCKED. I shit you not, literally every text in this class has been on Sparknotes, except for the one text the damn final’s on. So I sit here, having not read a SINGLE PAGE of Russian literature for an entire semester, expected to grind out a 300 page book, and write a paper solid enough to keep my very very very vulnerable grade afloat on an assignment worth 30% of my grade.

So yeah, I’m pretty fucked, and I fully expect this paper to be written with the competency of a first graders book report. But, I guess that’s what you get when you prioritize your infatuation with gambling over your education.

MAJOR UPDATE: I just found out I can claim COVID distress and change my grade from a letter grade to a pass/fail. Suck my dick, Russia.

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Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.

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