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Cleared for Coronapocalypse Coitus by Fauci but are Americans Ready to Rendez-Vous?

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As the coronapocalypse continues to confine Americans to their homes, there’s a lot of coronapocalypse coitus going on at home, but what about those poor folks who aren’t in a committed relationship or finally tiring of sex (no matter how good) with their partner? As WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump prepares the nation to re-open, it appears his main medicine man Dr. Fauci wants to get a leg up (actually two legs up) by letting citizens know they’re cleared to copulate with complete strangers via one of America’s greatest technologies, Tinder. Founded in 2012, Tinder has done what any red-blooded i.e. horny American has wanted- a way of skipping the hassles of going to bars, buying someone dinner, or engaging in meaningless conversation before getting down to what counts- getting into each other’s pants. One would have to go back to the invention of the leaf blower to find something that epitomizes America’s attitude of eliminating unnecessary work and focusing on what’s important.

Don’t give up on hooking up seems to be Dr. Fauci’s message

Of course, with social distancing in place, some people have been concerned about leaving the house to get their freak on. Thankfully, “America’s Doctor,” Anthony “No Baloney” Fauci knows what’s what (and unlike Tom Selleck who also claims to know what’s what, he isn’t hawking reverse mortgages).

Tom Selleck claims to know “what’s what,” but my money life is on Dr. Tony “No Baloney” Fauci

According to an article at The New York Post, the good doctor was asked whether people should hook up if they discover someone hot on Grinder, Tinder, or Bumble. Dr. Fauci replied:

You know, that’s tough. Because that’s what’s called relative risk. If you’re willing to take a risk — and you know, everybody has their own tolerance for risks — you could figure out if you want to meet somebody, if you want to go a little bit more intimate, well, then that’s your choice regarding a risk.”

Dr. Ruth’s books and call-in radio show offered Americans sex tips before the advent of the Internet.

One would have to go back to the glory days of the Reagan Administration to find such sage sexual advice from one of our elders. Older readers may recall seasoned citizen Dr. Ruth Westheimer doling out advice to the younger generation back in the day when she herself was in her sixties (a Holocaust survivor, Dr. Ruth had a true zest for living). Speaking of Dr. Ruth (who’s still going strong today at 91 years young), what does she think about traipsing outside?

At 79, Dr. Fauci is likely a bit more wild than Dr. Ruth is now, but the real question is, are Americans ready to rendez-vous? While the risks of contracting the coronavirus via a random hook-up are chilling for some, let me put things in perspective. A person who finds their love connection on Tinder may unknowingly get into bed with someone who has COVID-19 but is asymptomatic, but is this any less risky than the chances the person has a super-STD, a crazed spouse who will murderize you when they find out what’s going on behind closed doors, or they’re simply a psycho luring you into the sack so they can go Aileen Wuornos on you?

Should Americans get ready to reopen by welcoming strangers with open arms and open legs? Let me know in the comments section below.

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Mike Rickard II

Retired bank robber and author of "Wrestling's Greatest Moments", "Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery, "Flunky: Pawns and Kings," and "Don't Call Me Bush Beans: The Legend of a Three-Legged Cat." Pro wrestling and hockey fan. Hired gun for several pro wrestling sites and a top 10 YouTube wrestling channel. Available in regular and extra-strength.

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