According to Columbia University, There’s a 50% Chance We’re Living in a Simulation

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In a new study, a Columbia University researcher found that there’s a 50% chance that we’re living in a simulation, but don’t worry, the study was conducted with the thoroughness of a Kindergarten book report. Quite frankly, I’ve seen better analysis out of Jason Witten in the Monday Night Football booth than I did in this Ivy Leage research, and thats really saying something.

In his painstaking research process, astronomer David Kipping came to the astute conclusion that there’s only two options when it comes to the simulation.

Option 1: We are living in a simulation.

Option 2: We are not living in a simulation.

Since there’s only two options, that gives a 50% chance that we’re actually living in a simulation. Tremendous analysis here, Dave. Really putting that Ivy League degree to great use. I mean, think of the math this guy had to do! One divided by two equals 0.5, are you kidding me? This is some Steven Hawking level shit, and I personally have this guy on my shortlist of Nobel Prize frontrunners after this breakthrough.

Dude, if this is our barometer for what dictates a 50-50 chance, do you know how many of these we live every day? Like are the Cowboys gonna sign me to be Andy Daltons backup? Well, they either will or they won’t, only two options, so gimme a 50-50 shot. Is Addison Rae gonna pursue a sexual relationship with me? Well she either will or she won’t, so I’ve got a 50-50 shot.

Like the fact that an Ivy League scholar but all his brain power into this riveting topic, and this is all he came up with enrages me. But, hey, at least I know I’ve actually got a 50-50 shot in every sports bet I make. Here I was thinking I had a 1 in 5,000 chance on my 13-leg parlay, but in reality its 50-50. What a steal!

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I'm an 18 Year Old who's repeatedly had his heart ripped out by the Cowboys, Yankees, and Nets. Proud displayer of a jewy haircut, and even jewier nose. Here 4 a good tyme.

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