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Meeting My New Neighbor Kind of Felt Like A Porno.

Frisky… Steamy… Risqué…Passionate.

These are not adjectives I would use to describe my sex life these days.

They are, however, adjectives I would use to describe the situation I found myself this Saturday night. Just thinking back on it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my toes curl. What I’m about to tell you is a true story.

So slip into something a little more comfortable, light those candles and lock the door baby because it’s about to get real weird up in here.

Hey Siri, play Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye… Volume eleven.”


So we start this story in my kitchen around 9:30 pm— dinner time.

I had to make a tough decision regarding the ground turkey that was well past the expiration date. However, after a quick ocular pat-down and sniff test, I deemed it was worth the risk of potentially getting violent food poisoning. I treated myself to a generous pour of discount wine into a solo cup to enjoy while I cooked like the sophisticated gentleman that I am.

By my standards, I was having myself a damn good night alone in my bachelor pad. Little did I know, my night was about to get a WHOLE lot better.

There was a knock at my door. One of those loud ‘three-knockers’ that only Cops and psychopaths use. I frantically scanned around looking for a weapon to defend myself against this murderer— and decided on the nearby spatula. I’d slap him to death and leave grease marks all over his dead body.

I tiptoed over to the eyehole and saw a young, dark-haired woman standing there holding an envelope.

I cracked the door and extended a nervous hello and she mirrored with a smile. This dark hair, brown-eyed beauty extended her hand and introduced herself as Lisa. She informed me that she just moved in across the hallway. She handed me the envelope and told me that this was was mailed to her by accident and “looked important.” She came over to ensure its delivery.

I thanked her kindly but conversation rolled into some small talk. She told me she just moved to town the day before just across the hall. She expressed that she was excited to be here and have a fresh start. A minute or so later I thanked her again and wished her a good night.

She took three steps across the hall and fumbled with her keys at her apartment door. Panicked thinking Cinderella was slipping through my fingers forever, I decided to shoot my shot and give her the good stuff (Like a B– on good days).

“Hey if you need any help moving in let me know. I’ve got like tools and all that stuff,” I continued,

uh, okay, um… hey, listen, if you need to know like the good food spots around here I’m sure I could help or whatever”

Her hands began to fumble much faster now and let out a nervous laugh and a quick glance back.

“okay, great nice to meet you again.” I closed the door and returned to cooking my rancid ground turkey and sipping out of my solo cup.

I could’ve cut the sexual tension in the air with a greasy spatula.


Now… you might be thinking to yourself, how the hell is this anything like a porno, you creep? Quite frankly, I don’t see how it couldn’t be any more like a porno.

Listen. For one, it was very obvious my envelope she brought was not an important one. It had South West Airline logos on it with “Come Fly With Us For Less” written loudly across the front. “Deals Inside!” Any human-being of sound-mind could have identify this as a non-important letter— certainly not worthy of taking the time to deliver to a complete stranger’s apartment after sundown.

Hmmm… let’s do the sleazy math here. An attractive woman delivers something completely useless to a strange man’s place at night? That kind of plot-line sounds oddly familiar, doesn’t it?

Safe to say most men go throughout their adolescent and adult life fantasizing about answering the door to some sexy stranger just like in the smut films. Just a minute or two of awkward conversation followed by 30 minutes of passionate love making— I bet all the males reading this are nodding along agreeably– You get it.

It’s hard to remain humble after acting in my very own porn intro scene. A real-life Girls Next Door-like moment broke out in front of my very own eyes and it was wildly titillating… despite the absence of any love making.

Next time for sure, probably.

Maybe if this blog life doesn’t work out, I’ll fall back on writing my own collection of erotic novels starring Jana Kramer knocking on various doors of buildings I’m in.

(You’re welcome).

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