This is the toughest thing I’ve ever written in my life
I originally posted this on my personal Facebook, if you’d like to comment click here.
As I sit up late at night well early in the morning…. It’s not because of the stress of building my business. It’s because I’m suffering from severe PTSD. On the outside I might not show it, but the inside my head hurts, I walk around with a smile on my face, but sometimes it’s not real. Well it’s hard to explain, and that’s why I’m writing this……
As a child as my parents went off to work, or went out and had good they had one of my family members babysit.
Sounds normal, right?
In everyone’s eyes my life seemed to be pretty good but really what was happening was ruining my head.
What was happening was something that I was suppose to “never talk about.”
You might be getting the chills thinking what’s coming next. Yes. Rape.
From a very young age my cousin would babysit me and every time he would, he’d do some sort of sexual behavior with me. While my parents were out having fun or at work bringing in income, what they never knew what was actually going on. Their son whose “big brown eyes” they were looking into was really hiding a big “secret.”
As years went on everything seemed normal to everyone, right? But if it wasn’t for the fact “if you tell anyone, I’d kill you” I would have spoke up.
Every weekend from… well really as young as I can really remember, this happened, my older cousin….. Who my parents were paying to babysit me would…… ruin my childhood.
My parents eventually broke up you’d think maybe this could have been the end of it? No. I still never could speak up. Around the age of I don’t know 8 or 9, my mom and I moved in with my grandma.
My “cousin” was somewhat good at Math. I was failing. I needed a tutor….. Who’d be a good fit? They didn’t know. And well every time my mom or grandma would turn the corner there he would be trying to do something to me. During school I would sit in class and couldn’t keep focus, things running through my mind every second of the day….. And honestly looking back at it, it makes a lot of sense why I struggled in school…..
This “cousin” is the one you’d see at every family get together…. Well for a minute because he’d come in, get food and leave because he knew he ruined my childhood and others, and absolutely traumatized my brain. No one understood why he first started to eat down stairs without anyone and now…. Well since people know well he doesn’t come at all.
After a few more years went by my mom found a new boyfriend and well following that then she bought a house! And well just about as soon as we moved in I had to tell her what I went through, every single weekend as a child…. I finally felt…. safe.
I told my mom what happened… And of course what do you think she did? She broke down in tears. Why did her son have to go through all of this? It’s not fair. As I told her some of the stories of my childhood that I remembered, you could see the pain in her eyes…. Crying, tear after tear.. I felt bad for telling her, but I finally felt safe.
Telling my dad? I couldn’t right after talking to my mom. This was the hardest. Honestly as I’m typing this I can’t exactly remember what I all told my dad, because if I told him everything he would probably do what any dad would do…..
I feel so bad for my mom and dad. It has to be so hard for them knowing what happened to me…. My mom sat in counseling and listened and they’ve both ALWAYS right there by my side. These two deserve best parents of a lifetime. I’m honestly blessed to have the two best parents in the world.
I now realize I ruined many relationships with people, majority of them I wish I still had in my life. Most of them didn’t know what I went through.
I know I’m not the only person who this happened to… with him… And I really hope that the others who he physically and mentally hurt come out and talk as well.
Now… Well I’m 20 years old, I’m trying my hardest each and every day to keep a free-mind. But it’s tough. I break down. Someday’s I lay in bed.. all day. My brain hurts. I have nightmares. I find it very easy to get angry, and sometimes break things. I’ve had a lot of a built up frustration my entire life.
I’m typing this and posting it now, years later because if I don’t, I know how much harder it’ll be to get this off of my mind and let my family and friends know… It sucks being around some people in my life with the pain I’ve gone through and them not knowing at all.
I was diagnosed with severe PTSD a couple years ago. And I will beat this battle. I promise you. And for the people who I’ve talked to about this before, thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you to the counselors(Access Psychological), doctors and Northern Specialty Health for helping me find more brightness in life and giving me the courage to post this. Most importantly thank you to my parents for always being there for me.